Brad Sibille, MA, LPC-S

Counselor at Blumrich Counseling

Tag: Growth

Grief and Loss

The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment. To ignore this fact, or to pretend that it is not so, is to put on emotional blinkers which leave us unprepared for the losses that will inevitably occur in our own lives and unprepared to help others cope with losses in theirs.” – Dr. Colin Murray Parkes

I recently asked a client who has been struggling for years with the loss of his wife this question: If I had a machine that could take away your memories of your wife would you do it?  If you didn’t have those memories, then you wouldn’t be missing her and be in pain. He of course said no. I would imagine this would be the answer we would all give.

Why do we grieve? It is because we have lost someone near to our hearts.  When you care about someone deeply, you are never ready to give them up. The people that have had little or no impact on our lives give us limited grief when they pass away. When we are in the midst of grief we can take consolation in the fact that we have had a special person in our lives that has changed us and had an impact on us. We can celebrate their memories and what they have taught us in life.  There are many people in this world who would be jealous to have those moment with someone that we have been privileged to experience with this person.

Many of us do this already. We tell stories about our loved ones and things they have taught us. We use their recipes and talk about how they used to make these foods on certain occasions. (For my family, it is my grandmother’s tea cookies and we always laugh about how she always burnt the bottoms of them.) We tell their jokes and laugh at their craziness. We are bringing them back into our lives and allowing them to live through us. We recognize how our lives have been changed and been better because of them. We acknowledge ways that they made us a better person through their knowledge and example.

Now do not get me wrong I am not saying that grief is easy or we need to feel bad for experiencing it. This is about helping us get a new perspective of our grief to help us get through it a little easier. If we can see things in a new light maybe it will be a little more tolerable. We all experience grief and we all struggle through it. It is part of life. We grieve because a space in our lives is empty and no one else can replace it.  We grieve because that person we counted on for so many things is no longer there and we must find the strength and courage to keep going.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to a new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”
― Flavia Weedn

Do not be afraid to take risks of loving someone. We can play it safe and never get hurt but then we would miss out on the joys, laughter, wisdom, and growth.

Learning from Mistakes vs. Beating Yourself Up Over Them

It’s okay to make mistakes. Mistakes are our teachers – they help us to learn.   -John Bradshaw

               How much of our time and energy goes towards learning from our mistakes and faults and how much of it is wasted by our negative self-talk and beating ourselves up over them? Why do we do this to ourselves?  We do this to “punish” ourselves. We think that if we hurt ourselves maybe we will learn our lesson the same way we try to punish others to teach them to change their ways. I have never known this to work. If we know we did wrong, we don’t need to hurt ourselves to change our ways. We say things to ourselves like “Oh I am so stupid” “I never do this right” “I am a failure and worthless” “I am a horrible human being” This only leads to feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety, anger, depression, and low self-esteem.  This is us defining ourselves by our past and this labeling of ourselves saying “I am …” which means we are not capable of being any different. We may end up withdrawing or quit working on whatever it is we are trying to do. How is this helpful? It makes things worse and takes away our capability for growth and improvement. This puts our focus is on the behaviors that have already happened. They cannot be undone. In doing this we are holding on to the past and being held hostage by it which prevents us from moving forward.  Our focus is more on hurting ourselves than solving the problem.

               Instead we need to learn to forgive ourselves for our mistakes. It is important to realize that we are not perfect nor will we ever be. It is about accepting our mistakes and give ourselves permission to make them. This does not mean we actively seek them out or quit trying to improve ourselves. This means we love ourselves and understand that mistakes are part of life. When we do this, it becomes easier for us to reflect on what happened and what changes we need to make in ourselves and our lives to be the person we want to be. If it is a failed business, then what can we learn from this experience that can help us prepare for and overcome similar challenges in the future. If we are working on our anger and we ended up yelling at someone, we can look at what led up to this outburst that we can alter or avoid next time. Maybe this is a reoccurring problem. Most problems are because making changes within yourself can take a long time and lots of work.

               This is about turning our focus to current and future behaviors and less on those in the past. We are not defining ourselves by what we have done but instead on what we would like to be. We are letting go of the past for the hopes of a better future. This is about growth and wisdom.  We can allow our mistakes to contain us and keep us from living life or we can use them as learning tools to see ways we can improve.  If we can’t give ourselves permission to fail, we will stop taking the risks in life that will call us into greatness. Risks mean stepping out and trying things that may not work.

 

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” ― Rick Warren

Accepting Compliments

We are prepared for insults, but compliments leave us baffled. –Mason Cooley

 

                One of the many things I find strange is how terrible many of us are at taking compliments. I realized a couple of years ago, that I am horrible when it comes to receiving compliments and it is important for me to learn to be better at accepting them. We all have heard someone get complimented on what they are wearing and the response is, “Oh this old thing.” Or “This is just a cheap….” Somebody else gets a compliment on their hair and the response it “Oh it is such a mess today.” or “I haven’t even washed it in ….”  Why do we feel the need to make excuses for positive statements regarding our looks, behaviors, or attitudes? It is as if we can’t stand to have someone say something positive about us and so we must reject it. This is not humility but instead it is rejecting the good that we have in us. It is preventing us from being nurtured and encouraged by others. We have just passed on an opportunity to increase our self-worth and see positive things in ourselves.  I don’t think we realize how destructive this is. 

               When we do this, we are also insulting the person by saying they do not know what they are talking about, their opinion is wrong, or they have poor tastes. We manage to turn something very positive into something negative. There is a reason they said it to you and taking a compliment graciously tells them you respect their opinion.

                It doesn’t even matter the motives behind a compliment because unless you can read mind (which you can’t) you won’t really know them. Just because someone is trying to get something from you doesn’t mean that what they say is not true.  Even people who have ulterior motives will generally look for real things to compliment in a person.  It does not mean that we need to give into what they want but we can still take the compliment and use them for our own benefit.   

                The appropriate response to a compliment is “Thank you” or “I appreciate that” or even “I am glad to know that you like it.” I believe this is very important for us to implement in our lives. Take a compliment and let them nourish and uplift you. Acknowledge it and try to believe it. Allow yourself to feel good about it and know that someone saw something good in you that you just have difficulty seeing right now (it doesn’t mean it is not there).

               When you receive a compliment well, it brings positive feelings not only to you but also to the person giving the compliment. They feel good knowing that they said something nice to you and it encourages them to be more generous with their compliments to both you and others. We need more positivity in this world and we need to encourage it. We are very good at taking insults and criticism to heart why can’t we take compliments to heart in the very same way.

 

I make it a rule always to believe compliments implicitly for five minutes, and to simmer gently for twenty more.  – Alice James

 

Our Stories are Important

The shortest distance between truth and a human being is a story.    -Anthony de Mello

 

                As I said in the previous post that we all have a story and it is what has made us into who we are today. We are a result of the collection of our experiences and there is a reason why each person is the way they are today.  Each life is a collection of our stories and the more of them that we hear the more insight we gain. The telling of the story comes in two parts.

                First the person needs to be willing to be vulnerable enough to tell their story. The person needs be open to allowing a person into their life and see that part of them. Some parts of the story and simple and easy to share with others. They are important also because they give people an insight into our background. Where you grew up, your memories as a child, and how many people were in your family tells a lot to someone. A person living in the country has very different experiences that a city dweller. An only child has a different perspective of things than someone who grew up with 12 siblings. But each of these provides a glimpse into the makeup of a person. Other aspects of our story may include shame, hurt, embarrassment, insecurities, failure, sickness and trauma and are hard for us to bring out to others.  While some storied are difficult and personal and others are more entertaining and humorous both are important and speak to who we are.

                The second part is equally important which is are we willing to listen to the stories that people want to tell us? Are we able to sit down and stay quiet as a person reveals important insight into their lives? Often we sit in judgment over people without really knowing them and listening to their story. We label people as jerks, mean, grouchy, selfish and on and on without understanding why they person is this way. Maybe if we listened to them we would turn our judgments into understanding. The person who is mean and grouchy may have experienced tremendous hurt in their life. They may have been reject by family and experienced abandonment. They may have been taken advantage of and had things taken from them.  We may come to realized that if we had gone through those same trials we would probably be mean and grouchy as well.

                Our stories are important to each of us and the deeper we go with them the deeper the connection we have with each other. We share our tears, joys, heartaches, pains, laughter, and experiences and create intimate bonds. When we tell people our stories, yes it is a risk, but it is also amazing the way both lives are transformed.

Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weakness.      –Brene Brown

 

My Story as a Counselor

When we share our stories, what it does is, it opens up our hearts for other people to share their stories. And it gives us the sense that we are not alone on this journey.  – Janine Shepherd

Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is important. Our story is about how we ended up in the place we are at and the events that shape who we are and how we see the world.  When we tell some of our story to others we give them a glimpse of who we are and allow them a little bit into our lives. One thing that I have come to realize in counseling is that I am a storyteller. I often use stories of my experiences and the experiences of others to bring about understanding and let people know they are not alone in their struggles and failures. Here is a little part of my story of my growth and development as a counselor.

I was born and raised in Lafayette, LA and got my B.S. in Math Education from UL Lafayette in Math Education. I taught briefly as a teacher and after much struggle and difficulty I realized that I was not cut out for teaching. Struggling with self-doubt and confusion, I decided to go to a small Catholic school in Ohio called Franciscan University of Steubenville to get my M.A. in Counseling.  Upon graduating I stayed in Ohio and worked in a residential Drug and Alcohol Program for Adolescents which quickly became overwhelming for a variety of reasons.  At the time I thought that Substance Abuse was a field that was better left to others and I would not again work primarily in that field again. Fortunately, I was able to get a job at a Community Behavioral Health Center close to where I was living providing individual Counseling to those from 5 to 18 years of age. I had wonderful co-workers including a great supervisor who helped me grow and mature in my skills as a counselor. After just over six years of working there I decided to move back to Louisiana to be closer to my family and the place I grew up.

I moved back to Lafayette, Louisiana and started working for a community based Rehab Mental Health Company where I worked with both kids and adults in their homes, at schools, and in the community. It was a great experience but I quickly grew tired of all the traveling and wanted something more stable so I began searching for another job.  The only counseling job I could find at the time was working for an Inpatient Drug and Alcohol Treatment facility for adolescents and so I took it with great reluctance.  Despite my hesitation and previous decision to not work in the field of addiction I ended up loving the work and it became an important part of my development as a counselor.  While there were difficulties and growing pains I found working with addiction rewarding and it helped me see my own struggles with attachments. It was here I came to better understanding the nature of addiction, hardships people face in overcoming theirs, and ways to work with those struggling with them. It gave me great insight into how addiction affects the mind and the commitment it takes to stay clean.  I spent about a year working there until I needed a break and change of pace.

All of this led me to working at a Partial Hospitalization program for adults of all ages. I ran groups with people with a variety of struggles from addiction to serious mental illness. These groups have taught me so much in the past 3 years about so many things and the many ways we deprive ourselves of peace and joy because of our thoughts and actions.  I see the struggles each person has in this life and how we are not alone on this journey as we have similarities in our struggles. These groups let to me gaining and developing many of the insights that you will be reading in this blog.

Currently I am still working at the Partial Hospitalization Program part-time while also doing Individual Counseling at a Private Practice helping people with their struggles.

Each of these experiences have taught me so much about myself, others, and life itself. While there have many hardships and trying times they have provided me wisdom that has helped me become both a better counselor and better person.  I would not change a single moment of my journey as it has made me into who I am today. I hope in these posts I can share with you some of the information I learned that can help improve our perspective of things and lead to us having more peace and joy in life.

As long as we share our stories, as long as our stories reveal our strengths and vulnerabilities to each other, we reinvigorate our understanding and tolerance for the little quirks of personality that in other circumstances would drive us apart. When we live in a family, a community, a country where we know each other’s true stories, we remember our capacity to lean in and love each other into wholeness.

― Christina Baldwin, Storycatcher: Making Sense of Our Lives through the Power and Practice of Story

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